It begins here.


I have struggled for days now to try to place the magnitude of how I feel for you into vows and promises. It is too immense, too overwhelming, that words are just not simply enough. So let me instead go back to the beginning to where it all started.

A story, if you like.

A story of a boy and a girl who both felt out of place in a world that simply had no place for them. Two people whose ideas and thoughts and emotions were so hugely complex, yet so simple, that they both believed they could not or would not find another living soul who had the ability to understand them.

And then they found each other.

And in a place between reality and dreams they created together a world all of their own where they could come together and all of their troubles, their histories and their preconceptions could and would just melt away. The walls which they had spent a life time building around themselves were then torn down and new walls were put up around this special place that belonged to just them, and that Fortress was solid and impenetrable. Inside there was nothing but compassion, warmth, safety and pure and true love.

And if that were the end of the story? The boy and the girl would live happily ever after. As all good stories go.

But the story doesn’t end there. It begins here.

All we need to do now is remember the promises that we have already made to one another, long before this moment and we can make so many more stories, together, for the rest of our days. However many we have left, there will never be enough. I am not certain of anything, but I am certain of this. Right now? We are exactly where we are meant to be. I love you.

Breakfast at McDonald’s


These Things

I’ve had too many idle hours tonight to do not much else but think. I don’t generally like to necessarily dwell on past things, but there are certain times when things come up and I’m pretty comfortable with allowing the thought process to take it’s path these days, reflect on it (whatever it maybe be), give it the attention it wants and then it goes on it’s way again. Things don’t sting even half as much as they used to. Memories and scenarios replay in my mind now as if I am watching through someones eyes other than my own. It’s very much a case of being on the outside looking in.

You’re probably wondering where I’m going with this, and the truth is that I’m not certain where this ends. But only that it will end; for now, at least.  I just had an out of the ordinary thing…

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Letter to Lord Rayden


Dearest Rayden,

 

It is odd that we must be separated for this night.  Tradition dictates that we do not see each other until the day of our union, the day that we pledge our life long promises of dedication to each other, in the presence of the Gods, the celebrants and our friends.  Yet at this moment I would like to say “Tradition be damned!” and be wrapped in your arms once more before I sleep.  I know that this cannot be and that you are not here for me to talk to right now, so this I can do instead.  Talk as if you were here and leave this behind for you to read in my absence.  At least I can take comfort in the fact that we are not to be apart for long this time.    

 

Do you remember that night?  The one where we had gathered with the others in celebration.  Celebration of friends and family and new beginnings.  There was so much noise and excitement that it was difficult to concentrate on any one thing, to focus on the words of the others, the laughter and singing, the dancing.  But you were there at my side and with just a look and a smile only meant for me, everything else fell away.  Almost as it did the first time we met.  One look and you had my full attention as I also had yours. I remember that night you stole that first kiss that we ever shared, and it would be the last for quite some time.  I never dared hope that it could or would happen again.

 

It seemed that we were fated to continue to cross paths, even after the Company’s doors opened to you and welcomed you into the fold.  There was never a reason after that time, not in the beginning anyway, for us to see each other even half as often as we did.  Yet that is exactly what happened.  One day I simply stopped questioning it.  You were just there.  Wherever I was and more to the point, at the times when I thought I didn’t need anyone alongside me, you would be there, as if the Gods had answered my silent wishes themselves.

 

The one night we spent together under the stars, on that warm sand, wrapped in the warmth of only each other was one of the happiest of my entire existence.  I asked you then what were we to do now, and you never replied.  It was some time before we saw each other again.  And while I had almost given up hope of such a meeting, it would not be the last time, as the fates would have it.  On my arrival in Ishgard, there you were, again.  Like my stalwart silent protector.  My soft hearted gentle giant of a man.  I almost realized then that you truly were mine, but I was still yet blind.  

 

You never were and still aren’t a man of many words.  It is but a small miracle you have managed to weather my incessant chatter and oft times outright silliness, but you have and you do, with a hearty laugh and sometimes even a roll of your eyes.  You abide my manner and my behavior with absolute patience, laughter and love.  No, you are not a man of many words, but your eyes speak volumes even so.  You have always looked to me and your eyes would speak what your lips would not.  I just didn’t realize that what I was seeing was fondness, and love.

 

Should I have taken the time to pay more attention to these things, then perhaps I would not have been so surprised when we stood above the clouds and you dropped to your knee to ask me if I would be your wife.

 

I still do not feel worthy.  Your life was so simple before I stumbled into it, wasn’t it?  While you admitted it had been many winters for you alone, I wonder what it was about me that allowed you to change your solitary life and choose to share it with me.  I have little wealth to offer, no family to speak of, no past to share, no future path ahead of me and it both frightens and excites me that you want to forge that path with me, for us both.  How lucky I am.

 

Rayden, I want you to be the last person I see before I close my eyes at night and the first that I see when I wake every morning the sun rises, always.  So I want to tell you the following things, as promises I wish to make to you.

 

I will make mistakes. Many of them.

I will make you angry. I may even make you cry.

I will bore you to death with my sometimes incessant talking.

I will forever tease you for your lack of incessant talking.

I will always question your cryptic ideas and motives.

I will complain every single time you leave the toilet seat up.

I will often insist we run off to some far away corner of the world spontaneously and without reason.  

But I will also stand beside you when you don’t want to talk to anyone else at public events.

I will hold your hand through any struggle, small or great.  I know I am but a small figure but my resolve is as tall as the form you embody and shelter me with.

I will defend you to others, even if you are wrong.

I will be your friend. I will be your lover.

I will give in to your every whim and desire.

I will remind you every single day why you are special to me.

If you push me away, I will pull you right back.

Because everything that I am, and everything I have, belongs to you.

Long before, and forever after this.

I am yours.

 

Love always,

 

~Ayleth.