More than friends?

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Some time ago now a friend came to me and expressed that they had feelings for me well beyond friendship. We had been close friends for many years, and as such I really did consider them to be one of my best friends and my affections for them were akin to that between siblings. As such a lot was shared between us in a very safe, platonic way.

Whether right or wrong, I felt as if the whole comfortable little bubble of safe, no obligation purely platonic friendship was shattered. That I could not trust them anymore. What could we possibly talk about, or what could I share without it having a different meaning in the way it might be received, as opposed to before?

Maybe nothing could have or should have been different beyond that point. Perhaps our friendship should have remained as it had been for so many years, and I could or should have tactfully declined anything more than what had been. I did decline, for the record, and went on to say that never in a million years would we be anything more.

To make a long story short, let’s just suffice it to say that I reacted badly. I only ever in that situation took into consideration my own feelings on the whole incident, and not theirs. How about the huge amount of courage and trust in me that it took for them to come to me with those words, and declarations? I was, in fact aware of at least a little of their perspective on the situation but I was too selfish to express those things at the time, and if nothing else, it was actually extremely flattering.

The timing was also a little off and I was going through a very messy relationship breakup at the time. I wasn’t equipped to deal with my feelings on my own personal situation at hand let alone something different entirely. I am not trying to make excuses, but merely noting things down with a slightly different perspective now. Hindsight.

Months have gone by. I think it might be close to a year even, maybe more and recently that friend and I have slowly started to talk again and I realized that I carried a lot of guilt following my behavior when our friendship broke down.

I am simply sorry. I want them to know that I am sorry, truly. Good and true friends are extremely few and far between, and although I know that, my behavior can often reflect otherwise. I hope that I am forgiven, also.

Dear friend, you were missed.

Disconnect

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It is not until I find myself with nobody to talk to and almost friendless that I realize I have disconnected with the world again for a period of time.  

I lack the ability to process emotions relating to human relationships these days, more so than ever.  

I want to believe in things as I once did, but I fear I’ve lost my way.  Perhaps permanently.  It saddens me.

distorted time

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days have turned into weeks.

my sense of time has become distorted

underneath a blanket of

long nights full of hours meant for sleep

that rarely comes.

and I can’t help but wonder,

are you awake too

do you see me when you close your eyes

or are your demons larger than me

leaving me in their shadow

as nothing more

than an already fading memory

“Or perhaps it is…


Originally posted on These Things:

“Or perhaps it is that time doesn’t heal wounds at all, perhaps that is the biggest lie of them all, and instead what happens is that each wound penetrates the body deeper and deeper until one day you find that the sheer geography of your bones – the angle of your hips, the sharpness of your shoulders, as well as the luster of your eyes, the texture of your skin, the openness of your smile – has collapsed under the weight of your griefs.”
— The Space Between Us

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Why I write

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The process of killing one’s own fictional character is an interesting thing. It is like saying goodbye to a piece of your own self in some ways. But then you get to reinvent that piece all over again. And that is why I write. If there wasn’t a little piece of me in every character I have ever lovingly created over the course of my life, then they would simply have no soul. After all, how else am I to leave my mark on this world, to show that I was here?

The Visitor (Part 3)

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It was almost dawn when the first pain struck, forcing her eyes open and a cry of agony from her lips. Clearly there would be no easing into it, no niggles, no gentle build up, only the sensation that the child in her belly had awoken (or been awoken) and wanted out, as quickly and as forcefully as possible. She shouldn’t have expected it to be any less than this. With every wave of pain that overtook her body over the next unknown period of time, it could have been minutes, it could have been hours; she was no longer entirely aware of reality other than the immediate one, it was as if she was being punished by some unseen Gods or otherwise. And after all, did she really, truly deserve anything less, or more merciful?

Look at me, little Ana.”

Rainé held her hand firmly and Eyla stroked her belly, her eyeless face cocked at an odd angle staring up at Ana, but the voice belonged to neither one of them. She groaned and squeezed her eyes closed, thrashing her head from side to side. No, not now, Gods please, not now. She wouldn’t look, she wouldn’t listen. She couldn’t. There was work to do. If she did nothing else with this life, she would at least see this through, and deliver her child into the world before she left it with as much strength as she could muster. There was no time left for reminiscing, regrets, sorrow or otherwise. For weeks, months even, she had been completely devoid of energy, even of awareness of her surroundings, of nothing but tiredness. A weariness so deep that she simply felt empty.

Liar, liar, LIAR!”

Had she imagined the girl screaming? Here she was, now, quite calm, oddly so, in fact, despite the current situation. Had it been real, Eyla should be … there was nothing. No anger, no fear, jealousy, there was simply no energy at all around her and this confused Ana. But no, she couldn’t think about that now. Oh Gods, there was that pain again, and so soon following the first? She thrashed her head around on her pillow, biting her bottom lip so hard that her teeth pierced the dry parched flesh there and she tasted a bitter, warm rush of blood in her mouth.

Minutes passed, and then hours. All she was aware of was the pain, ripping through her body as if it was some kind of independent entity and it would tear her apart, rather than some thing that was happening to her, something she was feeling. There was no control left, barely even consciousness. In fact, so long passed that it wasn’t until the room was dark and she became aware of candle light in her immediate surroundings and not natural sunlight through that window nearby that Ana wondered how much of what was happening was real, if any of it.

Am I dead already?

“Stay with us, Ana. That baby needs to come out. Don’t you give up now, not now, not yet…”

Raine’s voice. No, she wasn’t dead yet, but she shook her head weakly at the words, at her sister’s insistent encouragement, and whimpered. She couldn’t do it. She allowed her eyes to open only long enough to silently plead with her, and if Raine saw the desperation in the other woman’s eyes, she didn’t show it, but only reached to squeeze her hand firmly, nodding stiffly.

“You will do this, Ana. Or so help me, I will follow you to whatever Hell follows this and make your eternity a nightmare, myself!”

A giggle issued forth from Eyla then, the only single other sound that Ana had heard in hours, and she felt the girl lay her cheek on her belly, and all she felt was cold. A cold that was at first skin deep but seeped into her slowly and then spread slowly at first, and then became all encompassing, a small patch of cold turned into something that filled her entire core with an unnatural feeling of almost lifelessness and it was at that moment as the child wrapped her arms around Ana’s belly and the last pain struck that she began to scream.

“Ow!  Hurts, huuuuurts, stop!”  She started to thrash around, kicking her arms and legs, trying to get away from the hands, the fingers digging into her skin, sinking into her body. “Please, no, please…”

And the last thing Ana saw when she looked down was the manifestation fading, disappearing, and with each second the pain grew. One long, seemingly endless test of her strength as Eyla faded away before her eyes, and it was then that she did lose consciousness, truly.

Look at me, little Ana. It’s time to remember. We’re almost there. Wake up.”

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