They leap and hope to God they can fly because otherwise they just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down “Why in the hell did I jump?” But here I am, falling…and there’s only one person who makes me feel like I can fly, and that’s you.
“Maybe I’m in hell right now, but you all knew I never believed in hell. The concept was created to keep us on track, and motivate us to do good. What if earth is hell? It sure felt that way.
What if everything we wanted was actually nothing? What if all the things we think are tangible, are actually figments of our imagination? What if life is actually death, and when we die we are truly alive? Wouldn’t that make more sense?
For if this is life, surely some of us wouldn’t inexplicably yearn for death so badly?”
~ Excerpt from An Open Suicide Letter
“I’d like to believe that there is healing. It’s a wonderful notion; that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, that loss simply allows us to learn how better to appreciate what we do have for the time that we have it. But… I don’t believe it anymore. People often forget that what remains are memories, and that when a wound heals, it leaves a permanent scar that never fully goes away. I will go on, as I always have done, because I simply have no other choice. But to be perfectly honest, I don’t know how long for because I don’t want to.”
I got a feeling that I’m not gonna be here for next year
So lets laugh a little before I’m gone
Running away from me but I’m not giving up on you
It’s just the way I be
It’s just the way I see things
I’ve had so much time to think, too much, in fact, and I still can’t make sense of anything, not one thing. The one thing I keep coming back to is a question I can’t shake. Was any of it real? Was it really? Or was it just the initial attraction of two lonely, broken people falling together at a time when they needed to the most and once reality set in, it fell apart?
I’m not allowed to say these things to you anymore so this is the only outlet I have. You destroyed me the first time you left. The second time, the damage was already done. I feel betrayed, let down, like all of my trust was so misplaced. I trusted you with everything I have and you still did the one thing you told me you wouldn’t. You left me alone when I needed you the most. I never expected that of you, not in a million years. I never imagined I would sit night after night for weeks on end wondering why we, why I wasn’t worth fighting for. Why am I not enough?
Even now, when you’re at your worst, and have been, I’m still here, foolishly so probably, because you’ve told me enough times that you’ve asked nothing of me and that in itself hurts. How could you have let me in, promised me the world in words full of emotion and so much passion and hope and then pushed me away when it got too difficult?
How is loving you overstepping boundaries that were just once never there, and such a short time ago? Why are you so cold? I always promised you I would be here no matter what you were going through, even if it never got better for you and I’m still here, I’ll still be here. Why is that not enough? I want you happy, I want you healthy, I want you to be okay, I want you around for a long time. You have to know that by now. That I do care, more than anything.
What happens now? Do you find that new feeling with someone else at some point and I become something that is just a memory, until the memory itself fades to next to nothing? I don’t believe that. Because that initial passion fades, it evolves into something else and that’s where the hard work begins, and I wish you could understand that. I’m here, I’m patient and I’m willing despite my heart being broken into a thousand pieces as it has never been before.
I want to repair everything, our friendship first more than anything. I say ‘I miss you’ and it upsets you because you just hear it as I miss our relationship. Of course I miss that, but I miss everything. I miss talking to you, I miss laughing with you, I miss smiling and waking up every day looking forward to you. I miss the companionship, the secrets we shared, the stories we made up that were just about us, fantastical places and situations that are not yet dead to me. They’re all still very real. I know they’re there for you too, somewhere. I know it.
I don’t want the impossible, I want to rebuild, I want to just be here and for you to let me be here until you’re okay again, and even if you’re not, I want to be here then, too. No one will love you quite the same as I do, I can promise you that, and I’m not making any more apologies for feeling that way and expressing it.
Let me back in, you are everything to me. You are my best friend and I’m lost without you. Please don’t shut yourself off from the world, I’m here. I’ve always been here. You once said to me “You and I have fallen from the same branch, drifted apart through winds and seas, and have managed to find one another again.” I don’t want to drift apart again, not now that we’ve found each other. The chances of that alone are one in a million, it means something, it means something huge.
I made you happy too, remember? And I’m still here, beside you, offering you my hand, always. Take it, please, mine is cold without yours… and I can’t manage an entire kingdom on my own.