Loss

I’d like to believe


“I’d like to believe that there is healing.  It’s a wonderful notion; that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, that loss simply allows us to learn how better to appreciate what we do have for the time that we have it.  But… I don’t believe it anymore.  People often forget that what remains are memories, and that when a wound heals, it leaves a permanent scar that never fully goes away.  I will go on, as I always have done, because I simply have no other choice. But to be perfectly honest, I don’t know how long for because I don’t want to.”

~Anaveya Blackcrest.

Advertisements

Reason #68


“I wrote a letter for you but you didn’t write back
Calm down, I don’t wanna fight like that

I wanna take my life just to give it to you

I wanna make things right

Take my life
I wanna make things right.”

Day Old Hate


So let’s face it this was never what you wanted
And I know its fun to pretend
Now blank stares and empty threats
Are all I have, they’re all I have.
And isn’t it great to find that you’re really worth nothing
And how safe it is to feel safe.
So drown me and if you can
Or we could just have conversation.
And I fall, I fall, I fall down
But I found you, before I drift away

The truth is…


I’m not okay.  I don’t even want to be okay anymore.  I know myself and I can never be the same again. Something inside me broke, something thats forever been just holding together as it is. I’m tired of pretending I can and will be fine.

I keep telling myself that I should have known better, that to fall in love and believe in it so much would only end up destroying me. But you see, I can’t reconcile myself with the reality that is suffocating me now because I believed in it so hard.  There’s only so much loss that a person can take and I thought I’d hit my limit so many times before, but nothing even comes close to this.

How can emptiness still feel so painful?  Some days I feel nothing and other days everything is so heavy I can barely think, breathe, even function.

What do you do when the one person you need to make it all go away has nothing left to say to you?  He is everything to me, my best friend, the person I love and trust most in the entire world.  How do I turn back time? Would it make any difference? Am I so flawed that even the one person I loved more than anything in the world can’t be near me?

I do hope that he is happy one day, and maybe then I might even become a fond memory from time to time.  Something that was good once, and pure, real, true.  Because to me, he’ll always be one in a million and deserves nothing but the best.

There is and will be nobody else for me, I know and choose that, it’s better that way.  He was my one last leap of faith, and let me tell you, it was spectacular.  He is like nobody I’ve ever known.  I’m his, always, no matter where life carries him next.

Even so, I feel as if I am truly nothing, I have no worth and I just exist because I have no other choice, but I’m tired now. So tired.

via Studio for WP app.