Love

The Way I See Things


I got a feeling that I’m not gonna be here for next year
So lets laugh a little before I’m gone

Running away from me but I’m not giving up on you
It’s just the way I be
It’s just the way I see things

 

I’ve had so much time to think, too much, in fact, and I still can’t make sense of anything, not one thing.  The one thing I keep coming back to is a question I can’t shake.  Was any of it real?  Was it really?  Or was it just the initial attraction of two lonely, broken people falling together at a time when they needed to the most and once reality set in, it fell apart?

I’m not allowed to say these things to you anymore so this is the only outlet I have.  You destroyed me the first time you left.  The second time, the damage was already done.  I feel betrayed, let down, like all of my trust was so misplaced.  I trusted you with everything I have and you still did the one thing you told me you wouldn’t.  You left me alone when I needed you the most.  I never expected that of you, not in a million years.  I never imagined I would sit night after night for weeks on end wondering why we, why I wasn’t worth fighting for.  Why am I not enough?

Even now, when you’re at your worst, and have been, I’m still here, foolishly so probably, because you’ve told me enough times that you’ve asked nothing of me and that in itself hurts.  How could you have let me in, promised me the world in words full of emotion and so much passion and hope and then pushed me away when it got too difficult?

How is loving you overstepping boundaries that were just once never there, and such a short time ago?  Why are you so cold?  I always promised you I would be here no matter what you were going through, even if it never got better for you and I’m still here, I’ll still be here. Why is that not enough?   I want you happy, I want you healthy, I want you to be okay, I want you around for a long time.  You have to know that by now.  That I do care, more than anything.

What happens now?  Do you find that new feeling with someone else at some point and I become something that is just a memory, until the memory itself fades to next to nothing?  I don’t believe that.  Because that initial passion fades, it evolves into something else and that’s where the hard work begins, and I wish you could understand that.  I’m here, I’m patient and I’m willing despite my heart being broken into a thousand pieces as it has never been before.

I want to repair everything, our friendship first more than anything.  I say ‘I miss you’ and it upsets you because you just hear it as I miss our relationship.  Of course I miss that, but I miss everything.  I miss talking to you, I miss laughing with you, I miss smiling and waking up every day looking forward to you.  I miss the companionship, the secrets we shared, the stories we made up that were just about us, fantastical places and situations that are not yet dead to me.  They’re all still very real.  I know they’re there for you too, somewhere.  I know it.

I don’t want the impossible, I want to rebuild, I want to just be here and for you to let me be here until you’re okay again, and even if you’re not, I want to be here then, too.  No one will love you quite the same as I do, I can promise you that, and I’m not making any more apologies for feeling that way and expressing it.

Let me back in, you are everything to me.  You are my best friend and I’m lost without you.  Please don’t shut yourself off from the world, I’m here.  I’ve always been here.  You once said to me “You and I have fallen from the same branch, drifted apart through winds and seas, and have managed to find one another again.”  I don’t want to drift apart again, not now that we’ve found each other.  The chances of that alone are one in a million, it means something, it means something huge.

I made you happy too, remember?  And I’m still here, beside you, offering you my hand, always.  Take it, please, mine is cold without yours… and I can’t manage an entire kingdom on my own.

 

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We think too much


“I just keep it to myself and I try not to cry too loud
I just wanna lay my head on your chest so I’m as close as it gets to your heart
We can fall apart, start over again
Nobody knows me, nobody knows one thing about me
Everyone doubts me
But Imma make it all come true
And I do it for you, I know all about the pain that you go through.”

~Lil Peep

Reason #60


You make me want to write stories about you, every thought that fills my mind and then flows through my fingertips is you.  I could write about you forever, and I probably will, you know.  I wish I had the right things to say, to order my thoughts in such a way that you could understand, but I have a feeling that even though I don’t, you know my mind in a way that nobody else ever could or can, and somehow you know what I’m trying to say in all of this nonsense entirely, not jut now, but always.  That’s so much a part of what makes you special, you just know me.  And the parts that you don’t yet?  They’ll come, in my heart of hearts I know they will.  There’s still so much to learn, of each other, and it’s all just stories isn’t it?  Sentence by sentence, page by page?  It will all come together, somehow.  I’ve never believed in that until now, until you.  I love you.

 

The truth is…


I’m not okay.  I don’t even want to be okay anymore.  I know myself and I can never be the same again. Something inside me broke, something thats forever been just holding together as it is. I’m tired of pretending I can and will be fine.

I keep telling myself that I should have known better, that to fall in love and believe in it so much would only end up destroying me. But you see, I can’t reconcile myself with the reality that is suffocating me now because I believed in it so hard.  There’s only so much loss that a person can take and I thought I’d hit my limit so many times before, but nothing even comes close to this.

How can emptiness still feel so painful?  Some days I feel nothing and other days everything is so heavy I can barely think, breathe, even function.

What do you do when the one person you need to make it all go away has nothing left to say to you?  He is everything to me, my best friend, the person I love and trust most in the entire world.  How do I turn back time? Would it make any difference? Am I so flawed that even the one person I loved more than anything in the world can’t be near me?

I do hope that he is happy one day, and maybe then I might even become a fond memory from time to time.  Something that was good once, and pure, real, true.  Because to me, he’ll always be one in a million and deserves nothing but the best.

There is and will be nobody else for me, I know and choose that, it’s better that way.  He was my one last leap of faith, and let me tell you, it was spectacular.  He is like nobody I’ve ever known.  I’m his, always, no matter where life carries him next.

Even so, I feel as if I am truly nothing, I have no worth and I just exist because I have no other choice, but I’m tired now. So tired.

via Studio for WP app.