I wrote a whole notebook of reasons why, just for and about you. I hope that means something to you, one day, or that it still exists, even. And I still miss you. You see, that’s what happens when you love someone, they’re never out of your thoughts for long, and every day without them just reminds you of their absence and you wonder how and what you did before they were there because you just don’t know what to do anymore now that they are not.
Because I don’t see any part of any future without you and I don’t want to. It’s been that way since the beginning and always will be. You’ve changed me and the way I feel irrevocably. I never believed you could be real, and then you were.
And I know its fun to pretend
Now blank stares and empty threats
Are all I have, they’re all I have.
And how safe it is to feel safe.
Or we could just have conversation.
And I fall, I fall, I fall down
But I found you, before I drift away
I got a feeling that I’m not gonna be here for next year
So lets laugh a little before I’m gone
Running away from me but I’m not giving up on you
It’s just the way I be
It’s just the way I see things
I’ve had so much time to think, too much, in fact, and I still can’t make sense of anything, not one thing. The one thing I keep coming back to is a question I can’t shake. Was any of it real? Was it really? Or was it just the initial attraction of two lonely, broken people falling together at a time when they needed to the most and once reality set in, it fell apart?
I’m not allowed to say these things to you anymore so this is the only outlet I have. You destroyed me the first time you left. The second time, the damage was already done. I feel betrayed, let down, like all of my trust was so misplaced. I trusted you with everything I have and you still did the one thing you told me you wouldn’t. You left me alone when I needed you the most. I never expected that of you, not in a million years. I never imagined I would sit night after night for weeks on end wondering why we, why I wasn’t worth fighting for. Why am I not enough?
Even now, when you’re at your worst, and have been, I’m still here, foolishly so probably, because you’ve told me enough times that you’ve asked nothing of me and that in itself hurts. How could you have let me in, promised me the world in words full of emotion and so much passion and hope and then pushed me away when it got too difficult?
How is loving you overstepping boundaries that were just once never there, and such a short time ago? Why are you so cold? I always promised you I would be here no matter what you were going through, even if it never got better for you and I’m still here, I’ll still be here. Why is that not enough? I want you happy, I want you healthy, I want you to be okay, I want you around for a long time. You have to know that by now. That I do care, more than anything.
What happens now? Do you find that new feeling with someone else at some point and I become something that is just a memory, until the memory itself fades to next to nothing? I don’t believe that. Because that initial passion fades, it evolves into something else and that’s where the hard work begins, and I wish you could understand that. I’m here, I’m patient and I’m willing despite my heart being broken into a thousand pieces as it has never been before.
I want to repair everything, our friendship first more than anything. I say ‘I miss you’ and it upsets you because you just hear it as I miss our relationship. Of course I miss that, but I miss everything. I miss talking to you, I miss laughing with you, I miss smiling and waking up every day looking forward to you. I miss the companionship, the secrets we shared, the stories we made up that were just about us, fantastical places and situations that are not yet dead to me. They’re all still very real. I know they’re there for you too, somewhere. I know it.
I don’t want the impossible, I want to rebuild, I want to just be here and for you to let me be here until you’re okay again, and even if you’re not, I want to be here then, too. No one will love you quite the same as I do, I can promise you that, and I’m not making any more apologies for feeling that way and expressing it.
Let me back in, you are everything to me. You are my best friend and I’m lost without you. Please don’t shut yourself off from the world, I’m here. I’ve always been here. You once said to me “You and I have fallen from the same branch, drifted apart through winds and seas, and have managed to find one another again.” I don’t want to drift apart again, not now that we’ve found each other. The chances of that alone are one in a million, it means something, it means something huge.
I made you happy too, remember? And I’m still here, beside you, offering you my hand, always. Take it, please, mine is cold without yours… and I can’t manage an entire kingdom on my own.
Quite simply, because you are special, you’re you, you are completely unique. I have never met anyone like you and I don’t think I ever will. I don’t want to. It’s always been you, since the beginning, and it always will be.
“I just keep it to myself and I try not to cry too loud
I just wanna lay my head on your chest so I’m as close as it gets to your heart
We can fall apart, start over again
Nobody knows me, nobody knows one thing about me
Everyone doubts me
But Imma make it all come true
And I do it for you, I know all about the pain that you go through.”
You make me want to write stories about you, every thought that fills my mind and then flows through my fingertips is you. I could write about you forever, and I probably will, you know. I wish I had the right things to say, to order my thoughts in such a way that you could understand, but I have a feeling that even though I don’t, you know my mind in a way that nobody else ever could or can, and somehow you know what I’m trying to say in all of this nonsense entirely, not jut now, but always. That’s so much a part of what makes you special, you just know me. And the parts that you don’t yet? They’ll come, in my heart of hearts I know they will. There’s still so much to learn, of each other, and it’s all just stories isn’t it? Sentence by sentence, page by page? It will all come together, somehow. I’ve never believed in that until now, until you. I love you.