Life

Do not go gentle into that good night


Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

~Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)

From The Poems of Dylan Thomas, published by New Directions.

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It happens like they say


“Not one day that you are here has been promised to you.
So make the most of every day as if it was your last,
And every breath as if it were the same.”

It happens like they say, you know.  You see everything flash before your eyes and you think you’re completely done for and it’s weird, actually, because there’s this split second of acceptance instead of fear.  Like, okay, if this is what’s going to be, it’s going to be.  Live or die, stand or fall, this is what’s been chosen and I’m okay with that.  It’s an odd feeling, really.  You find some peace with what’s about to happen, or not, but that is only with yourself.

Because you also realize just as quickly, in that split second between worlds,  the things and people who mean the most to you, and most of all you wish you could make peace with them first before the final fateful judgement call is made.

You wish you could turn back time and remember that every fight with your sister was so unimportant, if you could just hug her one more time or hear her laugh, you would tell your mother how much, really how much you appreciate how amazing she is as a mother, a friend, a carer, a person.  You would tell your friends who you don’t see or talk to half as often as you should that you love every single one of them for putting up with you all of these years and that you’re sorry you didn’t make more of an effort to spend more time with them but they always meant the world to you, even if it didn’t seem like it.  You would tell your children that they are going to go on and become great, successful, happy people and live a good life and you’re so proud of them already.  You would tell the man you cared for more than any before him that you regret every fight, every bitter and hateful word, everything that hurt him, that hurt you both and you wish that he would just remember how much you loved him with everything you had, that you hope he would forgive you, you forgive him and you wish with everything you’ve got left that you could hold his hand just once.

You would tell your father you forgive him and you wish despite all you’d thought and said that he didn’t have to spend so many years in pain and indignity.

You wish you could say goodbye, to everyone.

All of these thoughts in a matter of seconds, and that still doesn’t even scratch the surface.  And afterwards, when you’re standing, upright, in one piece, breathing, alive, you’re left with so many remnants of these thoughts and you’re not sure whether you’re left with more regrets than things to be thankful for, and that’s part of the tragedy.

Life, mortality, it’s so fragile and uncertain.  I guess my current thinking right now is to not take for granted what is not promised to be here tomorrow, for whatever reason.

“So drown me and if you can
Or we could just have conversation.
And I fall, I fall, I fall down
But I found you, before I drift away.”  ~ Dallas Green.

Haunt U


My time is here and I’m making it clear
Oh I love you my dear
But I’m going, I’m gone

Nothing worse than losing a friend
And the feeling you get when everybody that you love ain’t around
I really gotta get away from this town
I’m just waiting for a wave and I’ll drown

I ain’t gonna set you free
All you gonna get from me
Little bit a love and a little virtue
If I hurt you, I’ll end it all

I’m sorry, I’m trying


I’m sorry that I can’t get out of bed
I’m sorry that my heads always a mess
I’m sorry that I missed your call
For the third time in a row
I promise that I care much more than I show

Don’t get carried away, no
I’ll only let you down
Certain circumstances got me feeling low
Don’t take it personally
Talk some sense into me, I’ve been feeling senseless
Acting selfish, hate myself so fucking much, I’m out of touch
But I can see through all the lies that they’ve been selling me
Quit telling me you know they know what’s best for me
My patience being tested, see
In the parking lot of the high school that I went to
Thought I hated it, but it’s real shit when your friends leave
And you’re back home with the same dreams
On the same street
All of the things that I’ve taken for granted is now
Everything that I wish hadn’t ended
All that I hated is now what I miss
Ain’t that a bitch

I’m sorry that I can’t get out of bed
I’m sorry that my heads always a mess
I’m sorry that I missed your call
For the third time in a row
I promise that I care much more than I show

Reason #64


Because there is so much we’ve yet to do. Everything, in fact.  I still want to bring you chocolate milk and cheese toasties when you’re hungry late at night. I still want to go out and watch movies with you.  I still want to give you crappy massages.  I still want to listen to and play music with you.  I still want to laugh with you and have inside jokes with you that nobody else understands.  I want to cook with you.  I want to watch you sleeping when it’s the dead of night and I can’t.  I want to go for walks with you and hold hands and show you all the places I like to walk.  I want to see the snow with you.  I still want to be the person you trust and tell everything to, whether it’s serious or silly.  I still want to watch anime with you even though I don’t really like it but because I know you do.  I still want to go on dates with you.  I still want to be your best friend too.  I want to learn from and about you, every day.  I believe we can do these things.  I have to.  I know that you want them too.