On kissing

“There you are!  Did you even come home last night?”

An’ I’d told him, “O’ course!  ’Cept yer snorin’ was so loud ya never woulda heard a thing.”

“Well, I would certainly appreciate you leaving me some indication that you’re alive in the future, so I don’t have to hunt you down out of worry.”

He’d smiled when he said it, an’ I had t’ admit, it was kinda sweet, really.  Big ol’ shiny paladin worried ‘bout little ol’ me.  I been takin’ care o’ myself forever an’ ever.  But I guess he didn’t know that, so I promised I would, next time.  An’ so I did.

Mister Muggles got restless an’ wanted t’ go for a walk an’ I couldn’t sleep for all the snorin’ anyways, even with Mister Drim in the next room, so I slipped out o’ me bed an’ scribbled him a note.  I tiptoed into his room an’ was gonna slip that folded paper under his pillow, but I stopped t’ look at him an’ he was mumblin’ somethin’.  I creeped, creepin’, sneakin’, closer an’ closer as quiet as I could an’ I swear he said Miss Lylah, so I slipped th’ note in his hand instead, an’ even though I wrote in the note that I did it, I never was goin’ to, but then I did anyways.  I leaned over an’ kissed him real quick before I left.

Never did go anywheres I’d planned on goin’ anyway an’ I found Mister Drim later that night, sittin’ all on his own in that dark bar in the Row.  He seemed happy enough t’ see me, thankin’ me for the note.  I swear he even blushed, though he denied it.  Silly man.

An’ maybe it was ‘cause o’ what I wrote in th’ note, ‘cause there really weren’t no other reason for it, not as far as I could see anyways, but he kissed me.  Not jus’ once, but twice!  I asked him why’d he do it an’ ya know what he said?

“You drive me insane.”

“Ya mean that in a good way, don’tcha?”

An’ he smiled again.  I told him th’ first time we ever met I’d make him smile again, I could make him happy, an’ he smiled a lot tonight, so guess that means I’m doin’ somethin’ right.

“Of course, you lunatic.”

I’m gonna kiss him some more, later, at least before he goes t’ sleep again.  I like him, an’ I guess he likes me, an’ this time … I’m not gonna do nothin’ bad t’ make him disappear.

On lonely men, and “borrowing” things

“I’d like t’ make friends all good an’ proper, Mister Black.”  I fluttered my eyelashes at ‘im the way I watch the ladies do in the city late at night in the bars talkin’ to all the drunk men, an’ to my surprise, it actually worked.  Silly silly.

“I don’t know what to say to that.”

“Alls ya have t’ say is yay or nay, or go ‘way.”  I giggled at him, an’ I sang him a song, then.

“Red an’ black looks good in the —”

“Looks good in the what, m’lady?”

I giggled at that.   I been called all kinds o’ things.  Crazy, loony, silly, but never ever never a lady o’ all things.

“Looks good in the SACK, silly!  Can’tcha know how t’ make songs an’ things?”

He was putty in my little hands. Y’see, it went to perfect plan.

Step 1:  Pretend to be lost an’ or lookin’ for somethin’.

Step 2: If’n they get suspicious like, pout, do that trembly bottom lip thing an’ look like yer goin’ to cry.  If they’re still not convinced, actually cry.

Step 3: Initiate physical contact while cryin’.  What man can resist a distressed woman sobbin’ on his shirt?  Not many, I can tell ya that from practice.

Step 4: Feign bein’ all homeless an’ stuff.  They’ll take ya home.

Step 5: Borrow all their shinies after they’re sleepin’ (Give them a good time or not dependin’ on how drunk or lonely they are.  It’s situational.)

Busy busy, things t’ do, things t’ do an’ people too!

On shiny new things

An’ this is how I went an’ got myself a new shiny toy.  Jus’ like Mister G, he agreed.  Now, this was no little green man I had t’ ply with promises o’ money an’ shiny things.  This one was all shiny an’ had his ownshinies.  All I had to do was look at ‘im, smile sweetly an’ ask nicely.  Funny, I never thought to jus’ ask fer somethin’ before.  Guess I just been used t’ jus’ takin’ what I want or playin’ tricksies.

“Be my friend, Mister.  I ain’t got none left.  All o’ mine done went an’ died an’ stuff.”

“I would love to be your friend, Miss Lylah.”

“Really, Mister Man?  Ya mean it?!”

“By my honor and the Light.”

On dead men coming back to life

“Mister Ceran, it’s really you!  Yer not… yer not dead!  Where’ve ya been?”

An’ he didn’t ‘member me, an’ he didn’t ‘member who he was, an’ he wasn’t even wearin’ anythin’ but an old pair o’ pants an’ his scars.  Even his eyepatch was missin’.  But then that coin, the one he used t’ flip all day every day fell outta that cleverly made mechanical hand o’ his an’ he ‘membered that at least.  The one with the Illidari symbol on it.  Guess that thing means more t’ him than anythin’ else.

An’ then he found a map an’ we went on a long, long trip to Gilneas, that place that Miss Lady Blackcrest came from.  I heard o’ it before, but never went there ‘til I went there with Ceran Ceran, an’ we found a cellar where his things were an’ somethin’ ‘bout that room full of the smell o’ smoke an’ blood an’ tools o’ torture made him ‘member everythin’, even me.

“Now, tell me what happened to ya, Mister Ceran.  All o’ it, an’ who did what an’ why.  I’ll hurt ‘em, all o’ em for doin’ this to ya.”

“Let’s just say that a couple of warlocks had some legit reasons for wanting to know things that they shouldn’t.  About Kael and the Illidari.  But I told them nothing.”

An’ I knew that he meant they’d tortured him, an’ I was mad an’ wantin’ t’ hurt people again, but then he grinned an’ added.

“Some people are even more twisted than me.”

“I find that hard t’ believe!  But y’know.  I’m glad yer not dead.  How yer not dead is amazin’ since so many people hate ya, ya must be lucky, ya know?”

An’ then we left that place an’ everythin’ was right with the world again.  Almost.

That’s so Lylah

That’s so Lylah

One liners and typical Lylah.

On absent friends, and Mister Muggles

Maybe stealin’ all those botanicals hadn’t been such a good idea, after all. That robbery started a string of events so long it makes my head hurt thinkin’ ‘bout it.

“Nooo, no, no, NO, don’t be gettin’ me wrong, Mister Muggles, I ain’t feelin’ bad ‘bout it.  Only thing I feel bad ‘bout is that Mister G’s gone.  An’ I only wanted t’ make ‘im happy, ‘member, when I got him that lab an’ all those barrels o’ that bad stuff?  Pfft, s’not like youu care anyways.  You an’ your stupid ideas.  You’re a bad, fat… stupid mouse, ya know that?”

“An’ what about Mister Man, Ceran Ceran?  He shoulda jus’ let me cut up that last man, that one that took his hand.  He shoulda jus’ let me cut them all up for hurtin’ him an’ maybe, jus’ maybe I shoulda jus’ hurt people anyways whether he said it was okay or not, ‘cause now look what happened.  Now he’s gone, too.  Dead, dead, his pretty head buried in the ground probably.  I ‘member the first day we ever met an’ me an’ that dead man cut his armor outta his skin an’ stuff… an’ I miss him.  No, ya fat mouse.  It ain’t my fault.  It’s youurs, all o’ it!  I ain’t never had such bad luck since ya came an’ talked to me an’ now look, they’re gone, all of ‘em.  An’ not just Mister G and Ceran Ceran, but Sir Laileb an’ Mister Master Singsorrow too!  Only reason Miss Pink’s still ‘round’s ‘cause I had her let go.  You’d had yer way, we’d ‘ave cut her into little pieces an’ she’d be dead too!  Everytime ya go an’ get a good idea, ya creep, I do it an’ people end up goin’ missin’.  Well no more, ya hear me?  Yer not tellin’ me what to do no more, Mister Mouse.  We’re done, ya dig?  Done. Finished.  Over.  See ya.  Now go on an’ fuck off.  GO.”

“An’ I hope ya drop dead, too.”

On Mister Ceran

“I don’t like that man, Mister Ceran.”

“Which man, Lylah?”

She pointed at Cath.  “That one, Mister Man.”

“Oh, it’s just Cath.  He’ll be fine, Ly, if I promise not to torture him.”

And she crinkled her nose and nodded.  He would never lie.  And it was good, jus’ like he said it would be.  And Lylah was pleased.  She liked that man, Mister Ceran.

On traitorous “friends”

[A letter]

Dear Misses Lady Singsorrow,

Once upon a time there was a bad lady, an angry lyin’ lady, and there was a man that helped protect her when she tried to threaten Mister Master Singsorrow’s Order.  An’ Lylah saw ‘em both, talkin’ in the Row.  Be careful, Misses Lady Singsorrow, enemies are close.

~Lylah Angelis

On fingers, eyes, and not telling lies

She’d have liked th’ box with the pretty finger in it, that angry, lyin’ woman.  Th’ first box anyways.  I had ‘im attach a note to it to tell ‘er it was the first o’ ten.  An’ then the next day, another.  2/10.  The oddest thing was that the angry, lyin’ lady didn’t care.  She got even angrier an’ crazier than she was before an’ done went an’ kidnapped somebody ‘erself.  An’ people call me silly.  So, we let ‘er go.  But not before ‘e took ‘er eyesight.  Shoved some big ass needles in ‘er eyes.  Wasn’t my idea, but I never said no.  Said ‘e didn’t like the way she look at ‘im.  Made ‘im feel guilty.

Don’t know where ‘e took ‘er, don’t even care.  But somebody’s gonna ask me about it all pretty soon, an’ I’ll tell ‘em what they want to know, if they’re askin’.  Can’t be tellin’ lies.

An’ Mister Muggles has been quiet lately.  Odd really, since it was all his idea t’ start with.

On inspiring the masses, but mostly Mister G

Mister G was mad, jus’ like I knew he would be.  An’ not just him either.  T’would seem like that angry lady’s got a lot o’ people she’s pissed off.  Busy, busy, what t’ do.  What t’ do, indeed!

“Well, how about I pin her down and you all stab her multiple times?”  Ceran’s idea was solid, but boring.

This is when Mister G got mad.

“‘Kay, fuck Theramore, and fuck you.  I want a MANA BOMB!”

Much as I love Mister G, his ideas aren’t always th’ best.

“KHAL-VAN.  What’s plan B?”  I asked ‘im.

Mister Muggles has his own ideas, but they’d have t’ be like Plan Z, even for me.  That bad, fat mouse is a little scary sometimes.