reflections

It happens like they say


“Not one day that you are here has been promised to you.
So make the most of every day as if it was your last,
And every breath as if it were the same.”

It happens like they say, you know.  You see everything flash before your eyes and you think you’re completely done for and it’s weird, actually, because there’s this split second of acceptance instead of fear.  Like, okay, if this is what’s going to be, it’s going to be.  Live or die, stand or fall, this is what’s been chosen and I’m okay with that.  It’s an odd feeling, really.  You find some peace with what’s about to happen, or not, but that is only with yourself.

Because you also realize just as quickly, in that split second between worlds,  the things and people who mean the most to you, and most of all you wish you could make peace with them first before the final fateful judgement call is made.

You wish you could turn back time and remember that every fight with your sister was so unimportant, if you could just hug her one more time or hear her laugh, you would tell your mother how much, really how much you appreciate how amazing she is as a mother, a friend, a carer, a person.  You would tell your friends who you don’t see or talk to half as often as you should that you love every single one of them for putting up with you all of these years and that you’re sorry you didn’t make more of an effort to spend more time with them but they always meant the world to you, even if it didn’t seem like it.  You would tell your children that they are going to go on and become great, successful, happy people and live a good life and you’re so proud of them already.  You would tell the man you cared for more than any before him that you regret every fight, every bitter and hateful word, everything that hurt him, that hurt you both and you wish that he would just remember how much you loved him with everything you had, that you hope he would forgive you, you forgive him and you wish with everything you’ve got left that you could hold his hand just once.

You would tell your father you forgive him and you wish despite all you’d thought and said that he didn’t have to spend so many years in pain and indignity.

You wish you could say goodbye, to everyone.

All of these thoughts in a matter of seconds, and that still doesn’t even scratch the surface.  And afterwards, when you’re standing, upright, in one piece, breathing, alive, you’re left with so many remnants of these thoughts and you’re not sure whether you’re left with more regrets than things to be thankful for, and that’s part of the tragedy.

Life, mortality, it’s so fragile and uncertain.  I guess my current thinking right now is to not take for granted what is not promised to be here tomorrow, for whatever reason.

“So drown me and if you can
Or we could just have conversation.
And I fall, I fall, I fall down
But I found you, before I drift away.”  ~ Dallas Green.

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The Way I See Things


I got a feeling that I’m not gonna be here for next year
So lets laugh a little before I’m gone

Running away from me but I’m not giving up on you
It’s just the way I be
It’s just the way I see things

 

I’ve had so much time to think, too much, in fact, and I still can’t make sense of anything, not one thing.  The one thing I keep coming back to is a question I can’t shake.  Was any of it real?  Was it really?  Or was it just the initial attraction of two lonely, broken people falling together at a time when they needed to the most and once reality set in, it fell apart?

I’m not allowed to say these things to you anymore so this is the only outlet I have.  You destroyed me the first time you left.  The second time, the damage was already done.  I feel betrayed, let down, like all of my trust was so misplaced.  I trusted you with everything I have and you still did the one thing you told me you wouldn’t.  You left me alone when I needed you the most.  I never expected that of you, not in a million years.  I never imagined I would sit night after night for weeks on end wondering why we, why I wasn’t worth fighting for.  Why am I not enough?

Even now, when you’re at your worst, and have been, I’m still here, foolishly so probably, because you’ve told me enough times that you’ve asked nothing of me and that in itself hurts.  How could you have let me in, promised me the world in words full of emotion and so much passion and hope and then pushed me away when it got too difficult?

How is loving you overstepping boundaries that were just once never there, and such a short time ago?  Why are you so cold?  I always promised you I would be here no matter what you were going through, even if it never got better for you and I’m still here, I’ll still be here. Why is that not enough?   I want you happy, I want you healthy, I want you to be okay, I want you around for a long time.  You have to know that by now.  That I do care, more than anything.

What happens now?  Do you find that new feeling with someone else at some point and I become something that is just a memory, until the memory itself fades to next to nothing?  I don’t believe that.  Because that initial passion fades, it evolves into something else and that’s where the hard work begins, and I wish you could understand that.  I’m here, I’m patient and I’m willing despite my heart being broken into a thousand pieces as it has never been before.

I want to repair everything, our friendship first more than anything.  I say ‘I miss you’ and it upsets you because you just hear it as I miss our relationship.  Of course I miss that, but I miss everything.  I miss talking to you, I miss laughing with you, I miss smiling and waking up every day looking forward to you.  I miss the companionship, the secrets we shared, the stories we made up that were just about us, fantastical places and situations that are not yet dead to me.  They’re all still very real.  I know they’re there for you too, somewhere.  I know it.

I don’t want the impossible, I want to rebuild, I want to just be here and for you to let me be here until you’re okay again, and even if you’re not, I want to be here then, too.  No one will love you quite the same as I do, I can promise you that, and I’m not making any more apologies for feeling that way and expressing it.

Let me back in, you are everything to me.  You are my best friend and I’m lost without you.  Please don’t shut yourself off from the world, I’m here.  I’ve always been here.  You once said to me “You and I have fallen from the same branch, drifted apart through winds and seas, and have managed to find one another again.”  I don’t want to drift apart again, not now that we’ve found each other.  The chances of that alone are one in a million, it means something, it means something huge.

I made you happy too, remember?  And I’m still here, beside you, offering you my hand, always.  Take it, please, mine is cold without yours… and I can’t manage an entire kingdom on my own.