late night thoughts

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I dream about living in some house somewhere with you, some place that has a big porch out front and maybe out back too.  I want to hang laundry on the line while you slave over the lawns that you complain about every time you have to do them and grumble about whose stupid idea was it to live in a house with so many lawns anyway?  And when you’re done doing those lawns, I’ll run you a bath and sit in that thing with you and rub your back and shoulders while you soak your poor aching bones; and I’ll do a really shitty job of it because I’m bad at massages but you’ll tell me that they’re the best thing in the world and nothing makes you feel better like my hands do on you.

And then we’ll go outside and I’ll sit on a seat in that yard that you made look so great while you cook barbecue and we’ll stay out there and eat together and we’ll have to go inside eventually because it gets too cold or starts to get dark.  And then I’ll complain about doing the dishes as much as you complained about having to mow the lawns so you’ll do those dishes with me in that kitchen of ours and I’ll flick you with water and you’ll whip me with the dish towel and we’ll laugh and we’ll forget what we were there for in the first place.

When we’re done, we’ll go and sit in front of the TV even though it’s getting late and there’s nothing but infomercials on or some old overly cheesy 80’s movie and it won’t matter because we’ll be curled up together on that comfy old couch together holding hands or leaning on each other and that’s the part we’ll be there for anyway, just to be close to one another because there’s nowhere else we’d rather be.

After we’ve both yawned our way through a couple of hours of pointless television, we’ll go to bed and I’ll curl up into your side while you lie there on your back staring at the ceiling and we’ll talk about something that doesn’t even make a lot of sense but it’ll be mostly you doing the talking and me smiling and giggling because we do that when we’re tired.  You ramble and I get the giggles and eventually, I’ll start to feel sleepy, but right before I close my eyes you’ll tell me how much you love me and I’ll tell you the same and you’ll say you love me more and on it will go because there’s no beating you in that argument, so I let you win because silently I know that I love you more anyway.   And after you’re asleep and I hear only the sound of you breathing and the rain outside falling on the roof, I’ll be reminded that this is where I’ve always wanted to be, home.

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I lied.


I lied, you know. I said some things that weren’t true to spare your feelings and conscience while clouding my own. Shame on me for being less than 100% honest because it is me that is losing sleep now.

I am angry with myself that I feel genuine surprise that we ended up here, or rather that I did. I am hurt and more to the point, disappointed. There aren’t enough words to describe how much.

It’s your loss.

You can’t ever say I didn’t try.

Late night thoughts


You know, it’s always when I think I’ve got a certain situation all figured out that I am thrown into a mental spin and start to doubt every little thing about it. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve misread some really important cues along the way or if I am screwing it all up with my over thinking and over analyzing of every little word and action, or inaction, after the fact.

I find myself in tears of confusion and pure frustration at the futility of it all.

I just can’t or don’t work well with the instability I feel which occurs as a result of mixed messages and uncertainty. And there is the crux of it. I know very well that nothing in this life is certain, nothing is promised, but this knowledge does nothing to stem the feeling of constantly being in limbo for one reason or another.

I just want to smile and feel happy and hopeful again without wondering if I’m just setting myself up for the inevitable fall I am well acquainted with.