late night thoughts

Haunt U

My time is here and I’m making it clear
Oh I love you my dear
But I’m going, I’m gone

Nothing worse than losing a friend
And the feeling you get when everybody that you love ain’t around
I really gotta get away from this town
I’m just waiting for a wave and I’ll drown

I ain’t gonna set you free
All you gonna get from me
Little bit a love and a little virtue
If I hurt you, I’ll end it all


Day Old Hate

So let’s face it this was never what you wanted
And I know its fun to pretend
Now blank stares and empty threats
Are all I have, they’re all I have.
And isn’t it great to find that you’re really worth nothing
And how safe it is to feel safe.
So drown me and if you can
Or we could just have conversation.
And I fall, I fall, I fall down
But I found you, before I drift away

The Way I See Things

I got a feeling that I’m not gonna be here for next year
So lets laugh a little before I’m gone

Running away from me but I’m not giving up on you
It’s just the way I be
It’s just the way I see things


I’ve had so much time to think, too much, in fact, and I still can’t make sense of anything, not one thing.  The one thing I keep coming back to is a question I can’t shake.  Was any of it real?  Was it really?  Or was it just the initial attraction of two lonely, broken people falling together at a time when they needed to the most and once reality set in, it fell apart?

I’m not allowed to say these things to you anymore so this is the only outlet I have.  You destroyed me the first time you left.  The second time, the damage was already done.  I feel betrayed, let down, like all of my trust was so misplaced.  I trusted you with everything I have and you still did the one thing you told me you wouldn’t.  You left me alone when I needed you the most.  I never expected that of you, not in a million years.  I never imagined I would sit night after night for weeks on end wondering why we, why I wasn’t worth fighting for.  Why am I not enough?

Even now, when you’re at your worst, and have been, I’m still here, foolishly so probably, because you’ve told me enough times that you’ve asked nothing of me and that in itself hurts.  How could you have let me in, promised me the world in words full of emotion and so much passion and hope and then pushed me away when it got too difficult?

How is loving you overstepping boundaries that were just once never there, and such a short time ago?  Why are you so cold?  I always promised you I would be here no matter what you were going through, even if it never got better for you and I’m still here, I’ll still be here. Why is that not enough?   I want you happy, I want you healthy, I want you to be okay, I want you around for a long time.  You have to know that by now.  That I do care, more than anything.

What happens now?  Do you find that new feeling with someone else at some point and I become something that is just a memory, until the memory itself fades to next to nothing?  I don’t believe that.  Because that initial passion fades, it evolves into something else and that’s where the hard work begins, and I wish you could understand that.  I’m here, I’m patient and I’m willing despite my heart being broken into a thousand pieces as it has never been before.

I want to repair everything, our friendship first more than anything.  I say ‘I miss you’ and it upsets you because you just hear it as I miss our relationship.  Of course I miss that, but I miss everything.  I miss talking to you, I miss laughing with you, I miss smiling and waking up every day looking forward to you.  I miss the companionship, the secrets we shared, the stories we made up that were just about us, fantastical places and situations that are not yet dead to me.  They’re all still very real.  I know they’re there for you too, somewhere.  I know it.

I don’t want the impossible, I want to rebuild, I want to just be here and for you to let me be here until you’re okay again, and even if you’re not, I want to be here then, too.  No one will love you quite the same as I do, I can promise you that, and I’m not making any more apologies for feeling that way and expressing it.

Let me back in, you are everything to me.  You are my best friend and I’m lost without you.  Please don’t shut yourself off from the world, I’m here.  I’ve always been here.  You once said to me “You and I have fallen from the same branch, drifted apart through winds and seas, and have managed to find one another again.”  I don’t want to drift apart again, not now that we’ve found each other.  The chances of that alone are one in a million, it means something, it means something huge.

I made you happy too, remember?  And I’m still here, beside you, offering you my hand, always.  Take it, please, mine is cold without yours… and I can’t manage an entire kingdom on my own.


We think too much

“I just keep it to myself and I try not to cry too loud
I just wanna lay my head on your chest so I’m as close as it gets to your heart
We can fall apart, start over again
Nobody knows me, nobody knows one thing about me
Everyone doubts me
But Imma make it all come true
And I do it for you, I know all about the pain that you go through.”

~Lil Peep

An open apology

I’ve stared at a blank page for about about an hour and a half now. It’s difficult because I have so much to say to you and about you all the time, yet when I need to say something the most I just can’t find the words. Or maybe it is that I am afraid the words will pale in comparison to the tears that have been shed on both sides and the hurt that has been felt. That those negative feelings will hold more weight than the right and good words and emotions are supposed to hold in their place.

I am afraid that already my actions have been such that my words hold less meaning and that makes me feel helpless. How am I to tell you how much you mean to me if my actions have at times been so careless, selfish and thoughtless? That they have been so much so that the words I actually mean to say or in fact the thoughts I have are so much more and contradictory to what I would have you believe in my day to day actions and reactions.

I want you to know that I’m sorry. For any and every frustration, hurt or confused thing I have made you feel, I am sorry.  I know that those two words seem so weak, but I don’t know how else to say them and have you believe that they are true.  I have never meant anything more in my life.  I want to be and feel worthy of the pedestal you once put me on. I don’t and probably didn’t deserve to be there but I want to try to be again. I told you that the only thing I knew how to do was give you all of myself and that I had been, but maybe somewhere along the way I stopped or kept a little to myself again. I don’t know every exact thing that happened anymore but I want to repair whatever got broken. There is no one person to blame here, I’m sure of that, but I can only look at my own faults and failures and try to work on them to make things better.

When I say you mean the world to me, that you’re everything, I mean you are literally my world. You think that you don’t do enough for me or that you do everything wrong but the truth is you give me more than I’ve ever really known. You have given and shown me love when that was a foreign concept to me; I’ve never felt that before and you can’t possibly know how that feels when it’s gone, or it’s so much less than it was.

With you and because of you, I have felt beautiful, validated, needed and strong. There are times when I feel as if I just can’t carry on and I’m exhausted with just daily living because my life is anything but easy and you know that and you hold my hand and you give me an extra push or hand up when I need it and you don’t know how important that is to me. You admire me for my strength, but I believe that there is a difference between being stubborn and being truly strong and it is the former that has gotten me through life this far but definitely the latter that you give me just by being there beside me and with me.  You think you are weak, but the truth is that you are the strong one.  For distancing yourself right now.  You have more courage than I could ever have just for that alone.

I don’t want and need to be carried through life, I need you exactly as you are, beside me, with me. I want to be the same for you. Most importantly, I want to be that for you. I believe that together we can accomplish anything, as long as we always hold the others hand, everything can be okay somehow.  Please squeeze mine again, tight.  I don’t want to let yours go.

You are the love of my life. I have told you that before and this probably won’t be the last time I tell you but the magnitude of that is something I do think about from time to time. I have loved you almost since the very beginning, I will continue to love you and I’m certain I’ll never really stop falling in love with you either because I learn more about you and find more to love as time goes on. You have said that you’re afraid that you are not the person I thought you were or that I fell in love with but I have always said that you are no different today than you were several months ago. I’m also afraid that I am not the same, either, but isn’t that what life is about?  Change, growth, learning, making mistakes?  Even huge ones.

Could you or should you do better or do more, to be more for me? You could try and maybe that might change the way that I love you or that you love me but do you know what I think? That would change who you are and it would change who I am and it would alter what we have and what we are building together. And while neither of us are perfect, far from it in fact, you have to know and remember that I don’t want you to change, I don’t want you to be somebody else. I want you to be you, for better or worse.

I am thankful you came into my life. You make the world, my world, a better place to be in. I am yours, always. I can promise you that. I want to sit on a porch with you somewhere someday with a couple of fat cats, dogs and whatever other creatures you want to love and laugh with you and laugh at ourselves and this place that we are right now and talk about how stupid we both were for letting this pointless and terrible arguing spoil and confuse our time together right now. And I hope that we’ll have that day because what we do have is something most never find; I know that, I’m sure of it more than almost anything else and we’re strong enough to overcome any argument or bad time that will seem insignificant when it comes.  Even though it is so significant now.  I’d be a fool to not see that and realize it for what it is.

I love you. With every part of my being. That’s all I have and all I can offer.






I dream about living in some house somewhere with you, some place that has a big porch out front and maybe out back too.  I want to hang laundry on the line while you slave over the lawns that you complain about every time you have to do them and grumble about whose stupid idea was it to live in a house with so many lawns anyway?  And when you’re done doing those lawns, I’ll run you a bath and sit in that thing with you and rub your back and shoulders while you soak your poor aching bones; and I’ll do a really shitty job of it because I’m bad at massages but you’ll tell me that they’re the best thing in the world and nothing makes you feel better like my hands do on you.

And then we’ll go outside and I’ll sit on a seat in that yard that you made look so great while you cook barbecue and we’ll stay out there and eat together and we’ll have to go inside eventually because it gets too cold or starts to get dark.  And then I’ll complain about doing the dishes as much as you complained about having to mow the lawns so you’ll do those dishes with me in that kitchen of ours and I’ll flick you with water and you’ll whip me with the dish towel and we’ll laugh and we’ll forget what we were there for in the first place.

When we’re done, we’ll go and sit in front of the TV even though it’s getting late and there’s nothing but infomercials on or some old overly cheesy 80’s movie and it won’t matter because we’ll be curled up together on that comfy old couch together holding hands or leaning on each other and that’s the part we’ll be there for anyway, just to be close to one another because there’s nowhere else we’d rather be.

After we’ve both yawned our way through a couple of hours of pointless television, we’ll go to bed and I’ll curl up into your side while you lie there on your back staring at the ceiling and we’ll talk about something that doesn’t even make a lot of sense but it’ll be mostly you doing the talking and me smiling and giggling because we do that when we’re tired.  You ramble and I get the giggles and eventually, I’ll start to feel sleepy, but right before I close my eyes you’ll tell me how much you love me and I’ll tell you the same and you’ll say you love me more and on it will go because there’s no beating you in that argument, so I let you win because silently I know that I love you more anyway.   And after you’re asleep and I hear only the sound of you breathing and the rain outside falling on the roof, I’ll be reminded that this is where I’ve always wanted to be, home.