Reason #66

I wrote a whole notebook of reasons why, just for and about you.  I hope that means something to you, one day, or that it still exists, even.  And I still miss you.  You see, that’s what happens when you love someone, they’re never out of your thoughts for long, and every day without them just reminds you of their absence and you wonder how and what you did before they were there because you just don’t know what to do anymore now that they are not.


The truth is…

I’m not okay.  I don’t even want to be okay anymore.  I know myself and I can never be the same again. Something inside me broke, something thats forever been just holding together as it is. I’m tired of pretending I can and will be fine.

I keep telling myself that I should have known better, that to fall in love and believe in it so much would only end up destroying me. But you see, I can’t reconcile myself with the reality that is suffocating me now because I believed in it so hard.  There’s only so much loss that a person can take and I thought I’d hit my limit so many times before, but nothing even comes close to this.

How can emptiness still feel so painful?  Some days I feel nothing and other days everything is so heavy I can barely think, breathe, even function.

What do you do when the one person you need to make it all go away has nothing left to say to you?  He is everything to me, my best friend, the person I love and trust most in the entire world.  How do I turn back time? Would it make any difference? Am I so flawed that even the one person I loved more than anything in the world can’t be near me?

I do hope that he is happy one day, and maybe then I might even become a fond memory from time to time.  Something that was good once, and pure, real, true.  Because to me, he’ll always be one in a million and deserves nothing but the best.

There is and will be nobody else for me, I know and choose that, it’s better that way.  He was my one last leap of faith, and let me tell you, it was spectacular.  He is like nobody I’ve ever known.  I’m his, always, no matter where life carries him next.

Even so, I feel as if I am truly nothing, I have no worth and I just exist because I have no other choice, but I’m tired now. So tired.

via Studio for WP app.

I dreamed of you

“I dreamed of you. I breathed you in to keep you close, the last piece of you I could cling to. You lifted me up out of the darkness and filled my lungs with water. I choked, betrayed but you were far away. Clawing at my skin, I cried for you. Desperate for air, I reached for your ghost and found my hands empty. The concrete was cold as I emptied my lungs to fill them with crisp cold air. Empty and isolated. All those around me, oblivious to the betrayal of our love. Oblivious to my still beating heart taunting me in your grasp while you fled far, far away. I cried for you and it fell on deaf ears. And I awoke, alone and afraid of a world without you.”

I Am Lost

I stand still, not moving forwards, nor backwards.

It is a crossroads, and the directions are many.  

Too many.

Which way do I go?

I close my eyes and will my body to just start moving.

It matters not which way,

As long as I am taking one step after another.


But nothing happens.

I am still.

It would seem that my resolve to stay 

Is stronger than my will to carry on.

I am afraid.

Too many wrong turns have already been taken.

I do not know the way.  Why won’t somebody tell me the way?

I see faces pass me by,

But still I remain,

Frozen as the rest of the world goes by.

I beg them, I plead with them,

Help me.

But they don’t look back, the faces of yesterday,

The faces of today,

As they go on their way.

I am alone.

I am lost.

Do I stay here, in this place, and decay?

Please, somebody show me the way.