For the smiling, the laughing and the happy times, for those were the happiest of times I’ve known; the feeling of security and belonging like I’ve never felt before. Your acceptance of me for who I am, your support, kindness and unconditional love. These are the things that I don’t wish to or intend to ever forget.
Because there is so much we’ve yet to do. Everything, in fact. I still want to bring you chocolate milk and cheese toasties when you’re hungry late at night. I still want to go out and watch movies with you. I still want to give you crappy massages. I still want to listen to and play music with you. I still want to laugh with you and have inside jokes with you that nobody else understands. I want to cook with you. I want to watch you sleeping when it’s the dead of night and I can’t. I want to go for walks with you and hold hands and show you all the places I like to walk. I want to see the snow with you. I still want to be the person you trust and tell everything to, whether it’s serious or silly. I still want to watch anime with you even though I don’t really like it but because I know you do. I still want to go on dates with you. I still want to be your best friend too. I want to learn from and about you, every day. I believe we can do these things. I have to. I know that you want them too.
I got a feeling that I’m not gonna be here for next year
So lets laugh a little before I’m gone
Running away from me but I’m not giving up on you
It’s just the way I be
It’s just the way I see things
I’ve had so much time to think, too much, in fact, and I still can’t make sense of anything, not one thing. The one thing I keep coming back to is a question I can’t shake. Was any of it real? Was it really? Or was it just the initial attraction of two lonely, broken people falling together at a time when they needed to the most and once reality set in, it fell apart?
I’m not allowed to say these things to you anymore so this is the only outlet I have. You destroyed me the first time you left. The second time, the damage was already done. I feel betrayed, let down, like all of my trust was so misplaced. I trusted you with everything I have and you still did the one thing you told me you wouldn’t. You left me alone when I needed you the most. I never expected that of you, not in a million years. I never imagined I would sit night after night for weeks on end wondering why we, why I wasn’t worth fighting for. Why am I not enough?
Even now, when you’re at your worst, and have been, I’m still here, foolishly so probably, because you’ve told me enough times that you’ve asked nothing of me and that in itself hurts. How could you have let me in, promised me the world in words full of emotion and so much passion and hope and then pushed me away when it got too difficult?
How is loving you overstepping boundaries that were just once never there, and such a short time ago? Why are you so cold? I always promised you I would be here no matter what you were going through, even if it never got better for you and I’m still here, I’ll still be here. Why is that not enough? I want you happy, I want you healthy, I want you to be okay, I want you around for a long time. You have to know that by now. That I do care, more than anything.
What happens now? Do you find that new feeling with someone else at some point and I become something that is just a memory, until the memory itself fades to next to nothing? I don’t believe that. Because that initial passion fades, it evolves into something else and that’s where the hard work begins, and I wish you could understand that. I’m here, I’m patient and I’m willing despite my heart being broken into a thousand pieces as it has never been before.
I want to repair everything, our friendship first more than anything. I say ‘I miss you’ and it upsets you because you just hear it as I miss our relationship. Of course I miss that, but I miss everything. I miss talking to you, I miss laughing with you, I miss smiling and waking up every day looking forward to you. I miss the companionship, the secrets we shared, the stories we made up that were just about us, fantastical places and situations that are not yet dead to me. They’re all still very real. I know they’re there for you too, somewhere. I know it.
I don’t want the impossible, I want to rebuild, I want to just be here and for you to let me be here until you’re okay again, and even if you’re not, I want to be here then, too. No one will love you quite the same as I do, I can promise you that, and I’m not making any more apologies for feeling that way and expressing it.
Let me back in, you are everything to me. You are my best friend and I’m lost without you. Please don’t shut yourself off from the world, I’m here. I’ve always been here. You once said to me “You and I have fallen from the same branch, drifted apart through winds and seas, and have managed to find one another again.” I don’t want to drift apart again, not now that we’ve found each other. The chances of that alone are one in a million, it means something, it means something huge.
I made you happy too, remember? And I’m still here, beside you, offering you my hand, always. Take it, please, mine is cold without yours… and I can’t manage an entire kingdom on my own.
Because you once inspired me to write these words –
“You make me feel validated and calm and safe. I absolutely trust you with everything I have and everything I am.”