An open apology

I’ve stared at a blank page for about about an hour and a half now. It’s difficult because I have so much to say to you and about you all the time, yet when I need to say something the most I just can’t find the words. Or maybe it is that I am afraid the words will pale in comparison to the tears that have been shed on both sides and the hurt that has been felt. That those negative feelings will hold more weight than the right and good words and emotions are supposed to hold in their place.

I am afraid that already my actions have been such that my words hold less meaning and that makes me feel helpless. How am I to tell you how much you mean to me if my actions have at times been so careless, selfish and thoughtless? That they have been so much so that the words I actually mean to say or in fact the thoughts I have are so much more and contradictory to what I would have you believe in my day to day actions and reactions.

I want you to know that I’m sorry. For any and every frustration, hurt or confused thing I have made you feel, I am sorry.  I know that those two words seem so weak, but I don’t know how else to say them and have you believe that they are true.  I have never meant anything more in my life.  I want to be and feel worthy of the pedestal you once put me on. I don’t and probably didn’t deserve to be there but I want to try to be again. I told you that the only thing I knew how to do was give you all of myself and that I had been, but maybe somewhere along the way I stopped or kept a little to myself again. I don’t know every exact thing that happened anymore but I want to repair whatever got broken. There is no one person to blame here, I’m sure of that, but I can only look at my own faults and failures and try to work on them to make things better.

When I say you mean the world to me, that you’re everything, I mean you are literally my world. You think that you don’t do enough for me or that you do everything wrong but the truth is you give me more than I’ve ever really known. You have given and shown me love when that was a foreign concept to me; I’ve never felt that before and you can’t possibly know how that feels when it’s gone, or it’s so much less than it was.

With you and because of you, I have felt beautiful, validated, needed and strong. There are times when I feel as if I just can’t carry on and I’m exhausted with just daily living because my life is anything but easy and you know that and you hold my hand and you give me an extra push or hand up when I need it and you don’t know how important that is to me. You admire me for my strength, but I believe that there is a difference between being stubborn and being truly strong and it is the former that has gotten me through life this far but definitely the latter that you give me just by being there beside me and with me.  You think you are weak, but the truth is that you are the strong one.  For distancing yourself right now.  You have more courage than I could ever have just for that alone.

I don’t want and need to be carried through life, I need you exactly as you are, beside me, with me. I want to be the same for you. Most importantly, I want to be that for you. I believe that together we can accomplish anything, as long as we always hold the others hand, everything can be okay somehow.  Please squeeze mine again, tight.  I don’t want to let yours go.

You are the love of my life. I have told you that before and this probably won’t be the last time I tell you but the magnitude of that is something I do think about from time to time. I have loved you almost since the very beginning, I will continue to love you and I’m certain I’ll never really stop falling in love with you either because I learn more about you and find more to love as time goes on. You have said that you’re afraid that you are not the person I thought you were or that I fell in love with but I have always said that you are no different today than you were several months ago. I’m also afraid that I am not the same, either, but isn’t that what life is about?  Change, growth, learning, making mistakes?  Even huge ones.

Could you or should you do better or do more, to be more for me? You could try and maybe that might change the way that I love you or that you love me but do you know what I think? That would change who you are and it would change who I am and it would alter what we have and what we are building together. And while neither of us are perfect, far from it in fact, you have to know and remember that I don’t want you to change, I don’t want you to be somebody else. I want you to be you, for better or worse.

I am thankful you came into my life. You make the world, my world, a better place to be in. I am yours, always. I can promise you that. I want to sit on a porch with you somewhere someday with a couple of fat cats, dogs and whatever other creatures you want to love and laugh with you and laugh at ourselves and this place that we are right now and talk about how stupid we both were for letting this pointless and terrible arguing spoil and confuse our time together right now. And I hope that we’ll have that day because what we do have is something most never find; I know that, I’m sure of it more than almost anything else and we’re strong enough to overcome any argument or bad time that will seem insignificant when it comes.  Even though it is so significant now.  I’d be a fool to not see that and realize it for what it is.

I love you. With every part of my being. That’s all I have and all I can offer.






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